Trying again
So I gave up on this for a while, but I'm going to try again. Frankly I'm starved for interaction, I want to exchange some ideas, to really communicate with another person. I know, all I'm doing right now is typing this out in my empty apartment at 2:00 am. What sort of interaction is that? Its something. Its a shout into the night. But maybe someone will hear it and shout back.
I hope to use this outlet on a more regular basis, or at least as long as I have a desire to communicate. Before I was scared to write anything that wasn't polished or insightful. Now I think that I'll use it as a record of my thoughts and ideas, and even if no one ever reads it, maybe it will be of some use to me later. I'll be able to answer the question, "What was I thinking?"
What I'm thinking now is that I'm wasting a lot of time. I'm in Raleigh because I thought I needed to stay and earn money. But it's not worth it. I've been driving a bicycle rickshaw on the weekends and have made a few hundred dollars, but my working environment is sickening. I can't do it anymore. I won't go into details, but what I mean is that my clients are those who dress up and go out to dinner and drinks and dancing in the same plastic clubs. It is the world of the superficial. That's what bothers me so much. I don't meet people who are living the life they choose and enjoying fine things, I meet terrified animals scrambling to appear dominant and powerful. That behavior offends me.
Should it? Maybe not. I realize that I am part animal too, and not immune from such base behavior. I should probably be more sad than angry. I should be profoundly sad at the tremendous waste, that these men and women who posses the potential of Mozart, of Picasso, of Julius Caesar, of George Washington, choose to spend their time and talents on appearances! Why?
I don't know exactly. I know that to attempt great things is risky and scary. I know that we don't teach or children to be great, we teach good. We teach fill in the blank. We don't teach exploration and curiosity.
I also know that anger is the mode of youth, and I am young. While my anger might be justified, it is not useful. Anger can lead to action, but it usually is not helpful action. Screaming at the fashionable masses would do neither of us any good. What I need is understanding and anger will not lead me to it. I do not mean that I shouldn't get angry, passion and fire are vital, but they should be harnessed and channeled into useful action.
Whew, I feel much better now. I think I've been wanting to share those ideas for a while, even if just to my computer screen. I think there's more where that came from, so I look forward to next time. Goodnight.
